The natural parental instinct is to protect our children from harm, from suffering. When our children are experiencing difficult circumstances, we may feel the pull to help them become resilient, even when it means them having to go through tough times.
Disappointment after a game they lost, anxiety the day before a test or a break-up of a friendship, we all want to relieve our children as soon as possible.
Is shielding children from all of life's hardships really doing any good?
When the Helping Becomes Over-Protectiveness
When a child experiences the disappointment of losing a sport event, the worries before an exam, or the loss of a friendship , the most natural response can be to start doing something to fix it.
But no matter the right amount of support, we need to give space for the child to turn over their feeling. The child needs these experiences in order for the child to learn the skills, confidence and resilience to manage their feelings.
It's okay for children to be disappointed every once in a while and find out they can get through it.
Why Children Need to Experience Difficult Emotions
Big feelings are a typical part of the childhood journey. Kids get sad when they don't get what they want, anxious when something is new, and angry when they find something hard.
Not all experiences require an immediate solution.
What if you guided children to believe that challenges can be faced in small steps?
What Can Parents Do in Such Instances?
You don't have to remove all the challenges from your child's life. Sometimes, just showing up is enough.
Instead of immediately finding a solution, try to:
- Acknowledge your loved one's feelings: 'I can tell you're upset.'
- Listen before coming up with a solution idea: Encourage your child to share his/her feelings.
- Think of some next steps to help your child.
- Provide age-appropriate challenges.
Allow your little one to challenge, stumble, and eventually succeed.
Remember, acknowledging the child's feelings does not equal approval of everything that they do. It means that you are showing 'acceptance' of a child's anger without approval of unacceptable words and actions.
A Final Thought
It is our role to demonstrate to children that they are capable of surviving adversity.
It's also important for children to learn that it's OK to be sad, worried, angry, disappointed or frustrated – they will still be able to get through it.
By letting the children feel and weather the storms with our understanding and wise counsel, we help them develop self-assurance.
When we step back, this is actually the best thing we can do as a parent - not to lessen the challenge, but to encourage them to learn that they can meet it.